''Day 1''
The doors of the van open to the blinding light of the Birstall sun. It has been a month since this rag tag group of RSPCA vets found you washed up on a beach in the north of england, and after a long period of physical therapy, experimental bone reconstruction and sticking your antlers back together with duct tape and glue, it's time for you to return to the wild.
(text-colour:#fedb01)[[[Continue->Intro2]]]Shielding your eyes with a hoof, you stagger into the car park, and the RSPCA vets guide you past the sounds of confused humans and through the revolving doors of your new home. It's no Sweden, but it's the closest you're going to get with the current state of funding.
"be free, my friend!"
Shouts one of the RSPCA men, as he and his collegues are escorted out of the bulding by the security humans.
(text-colour:#fedb01)[[[Continue->Title Card]]](align:"=><=")[''You are a Swedish Moose, and you've just been released into an'' (text-colour:#fedb01)[''IKEA''] ''by the RSPCA.
Can you rebuild a life for yourself and defend your new home?''
(text-colour:#fedb01)[[[Continue->Day2]]]]
''Day 2''
Morning is here, a thing you can tell somehow despite being inside a windowless warehouse. You yawn and stretch your hooves as you pull yourself out of the crushed remains of the (link: "(text-colour:#fedb01)[IDANÄS]")[(goto-url: 'https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/idanaes-upholstered-ottoman-bed-gunnared-dark-grey-10458989/')] that couldn't support the full weight of an adult Moose. Your eyes scan across your domain. What to do in your new kingdom?
(text-colour:#fedb01)[[[SELF CARE DAY IN FAMILY LIVING AND BEDROOM ZONE->Self Care]]]
(text-colour:#fedb01)[[[GAMING IN THE GAMING DEN AND TEENAGE BEDROOM ZONE->Gaming]]]After a stressful recovery from your injuries, you think it's time for a You day. You take a long soak in an (link: "(text-colour:#fedb01)[OPPEJEN]")[(goto-url: 'https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/oppejen-fotingen-corner-shower-with-tray-s19326249/')] shower and wrap yourself up in a few (link: "(text-colour:#fedb01)[VÅGSJÖN]")[(goto-url: 'https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/vagsjoen-bath-sheet-dark-grey-50353612/')] towels before sitting down to paint your hooves on a (link: "(text-colour:#fedb01)[KLIPPAN]")[(goto-url: 'https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/klippan-2-seat-sofa-flackarp-medium-grey-s89246862/')] sofa and (link: "(text-colour:#fedb01)[EKTORP]")[(goto-url: 'https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/ektorp-footstool-with-storage-hakebo-dark-grey-s39552123/')] footstool. You whip up some fresh meatballs in a (link: "(text-colour:#fedb01)[VARDAGEN]")[(goto-url: 'https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/vardagen-frying-pan-cast-iron-70554515/')] frying pan on a (link: "(text-colour:#fedb01)[KNOXHULT]")[(goto-url: 'https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/knoxhult-corner-kitchen-white-s39478227/')] kitchen worksurface and sit down to binge watch some Moose Drama while sipping (link: "(text-colour:#fedb01)[DRYCK BUBBEL ÄPPLE & LINGON]")[(goto-url: 'https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/dryck-bubbel-aepple-lingon-sparkling-apple-lingonberry-drink-20226767/')] from an (link: "(text-colour:#fedb01)[ÄNKEBLOMSTER]")[(goto-url: 'https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/aenkeblomster-wine-glass-clear-glass-60591839/')] glass.
(text-colour:#fedb01)[[[Continue->Self Care 2]]]You grab a headset from a nearby (link: "(text-colour:#fedb01)[MÖJLIGHET]")[(goto-url: 'https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/moejlighet-headset-tablet-stand-black-00434277/')] headset stand and excitedly throw your Moose arse into a (link: "(text-colour:#fedb01)[MATCHSPEL]")[(goto-url: 'https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/matchspel-gaming-chair-bomstad-black-20507606/')] gaming chair, spinning around a couple times as you roll up to your (link: "(text-colour:#fedb01)[FREDDE]")[(goto-url: 'https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/fredde-gaming-desk-black-50219044/')] gaming desk. After a massive glug of (link: "(text-colour:#fedb01)[ISKUB]")[(goto-url: 'https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/iskub-carbonated-soft-drink-cola-flavour-with-sugar-and-sweeteners-50548059/')] Cola, your crack your hooves and sit down for a few hours in the competetive mode of the (text-colour:#fedb01)[''IKEA''] furnature ordering system. Once you tire of shouting at teenagers on the internet, you pull a controller off your (link: "(text-colour:#fedb01)[SKÅDIS]")[(goto-url: 'https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/skadis-pegboard-combination-s89406365/')] pegboard and flop down into an (link: "(text-colour:#fedb01)[KLIPPAN]")[(goto-url: 'https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/klippan-2-seat-sofa-flackarp-medium-grey-s89246862/')] sofa to cool off with the racing game they show on the display tellys.
(text-colour:#fedb01)[[[Continue->Gaming 2]]]But before you can get even slightly off your tits on the completely non-alcoholic (link: "(text-colour:#fedb01)[DRYCK BUBBEL ÄPPLE & LINGON]")[(goto-url: 'https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/dryck-bubbel-aepple-lingon-sparkling-apple-lingonberry-drink-20226767/')], your Moose senses pick up the sound of regimented footsteps at the entrance to your humble abode. The familiar goose-step of Animal Control.
(text-colour:#fedb01)[[[Continue-> Day 2 Defence]]]But before you can realise that the videogame is actually a pre rendered cgi video of a car driving through a city with a fake heads up display at the bottom, your Moose senses pick up the sound of regimented footsteps at the entrance to your humble abode. The familiar goose-step of Animal Control.
(text-colour:#fedb01)[[[Continue-> Day 2 Defence]]]You meet your assailants at the revolving entrance door and roar a Moose battle cry. Before the group can finish picking up their trolleys and bags, you lower your antlers and barrel into the lot of them. Because, quite frankly, what are they actually going to do to stop you. You are a 1546 pound Swedish Moose, and they are a pack of underpaid and underfunded humans in silly hats.
(text-colour:#fedb01)[[[Continue-> Day 2 Defence 2]]]Your tactics are successful, and you boot the bundle of humans out of the revolving door and into the car park. Only one straggler remains, distracted by a (link: "(text-colour:#fedb01)[BRANÄS]")[(goto-url: 'https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/branaes-basket-rattan-00138432/')] that he didn't really //need// per se, but it would match the look of his house and he could //probably// find something to put it in but he wasn't sure exactly what yet. You thwack him with a (link: "(text-colour:#fedb01)[VARDAGEN]")[(goto-url: 'https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/vardagen-frying-pan-cast-iron-70554515/')] frying pan and he collapses on to the (link: "(text-colour:#fedb01)[VONSBÄK]")[(goto-url: 'https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/vonsbaek-rug-low-pile-dark-blue-70528885/')] carpet.
(text-colour:#fedb01)[[[Continue-> Day 3 Interrogation]]]''Day 3''
It has just passed midnight and your hostage is sleeping soundly on his (link: "(text-colour:#fedb01)[VONSBÄK]")[(goto-url: 'https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/vonsbaek-rug-low-pile-dark-blue-70528885/')] What is to be done with him?
(text-colour:#fedb01)[[[GOOD MOOSE->Good Moose]]]
(text-colour:#fedb01)[[[BAD MOOSE->Bad Moose]]]The man awakes tied to a (link: "(text-colour:#fedb01)[SKOGSTA]")[(goto-url: 'https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/skogsta-chair-acacia-70544866/')] chair in the (text-colour:#fedb01)[''IKEA''] Cafe with a (link: "(text-colour:#fedb01)[SKOTAT]")[(goto-url: 'https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/skotat-extension-cord-green-80555736/')] extension cord. In front of him is a plate full of (link: "(text-colour:#fedb01)[HUVUDROLL]")[(goto-url: 'https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/skotat-extension-cord-green-80555736/')] meatballs and (link: "(text-colour:#fedb01)[ALLEMANSRÄTTEN]")[(goto-url: 'https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/allemansraetten-mashed-potatoes-frozen-30351280/')] Mash, the full 16 balls, with plenty of cream sauce and a reasonable portion of lingonberry jam to boot. You sit opposite him with a friendly expression on your Moose face.
(text-colour:#fedb01)[[[Continue->Good Moose 2]]]Your hostage awakens tied to a (link: "(text-colour:#fedb01)[FEJAN]")[(goto-url: 'https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/fejan-chair-outdoor-foldable-white-10255307/')] chair with a length of (link: "(text-colour:#fedb01)[DIGNITET]")[(goto-url: 'https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/dignitet-curtain-wire-stainless-steel-60075295/')] curtain wire. You slap him around a bit with a (link: "(text-colour:#fedb01)[GUBBRÖRA]")[(goto-url: 'https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/gubbroera-rubber-spatula-black-white-50527354/')] spatula to wake him up and pull the (link: "(text-colour:#fedb01)[FRAKTA]")[(goto-url: 'https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/frakta-carrier-bag-medium-blue-60301707/')] bag from his head. He reels from the light of the (link: "(text-colour:#fedb01)[TERTIAL]")[(goto-url: 'https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/tertial-work-lamp-dark-grey-40450802/')] lamp you have pointed at his face.
(text-colour:#fedb01)[[[Continue->Bad Moose 2]]]"Alright mate, you tell me who sent you and what's coming next, and that plate's all yours. I'll even throw in a little (link: "(text-colour:#fedb01)[DAIM]")[(goto-url: 'https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/daim-almond-cake-chocolate-and-crunch-frozen-00574395/')] cake for desert. Kapiche?"
(text-colour:#fedb01)[[[Continue->Interrogation End]]]The man remains steadfast and wide eyed at what you say, or at least what you think about saying. What you actually say is
''"OUEEEOOOOURGHHH"''
Because you are a Moose, which doesn't really get the message across.
(text-colour:#fedb01)[[[Continue->Day 3 Preperation]]]"Alright buster, no more Mr Nice Moose. What's your game here? Who sent you? Who's coming next?"
(text-colour:#fedb01)[[[Continue->Interrogation End]]]Despite your best efforts, cross species communication remains a frustrating dead end. With a sigh you chuck the man and his chair into the meatball machine, and prepare to bolster your defences. How do you reinforce your warehouse home?
(text-colour:#fedb01)[(link: "PALISADES AND BARRICADES DEPARTMENT")[\
(set: $Palisades to true)\
(go-to: "Day 4")\
]]
(text-colour:#fedb01)[(link: "AUTOMATED TURRETS AND TRAPS DEPARTMENT")[\
(go-to: "Day 4")\
]]Through the glass of the Emergency Exit you see the sun rise on a new day. The enemy forces have gathered. You know it. You sense it. And you can see the on the security cameras you have hooked up to all the screens in the building. It's the Swedish Police, flown in from overseas to take you back.
(if: $Palisades is true)[
(text-colour:#fedb01)[[[Continue->Palisades Breakfast]]
]]
(else:)[
(text-colour:#fedb01)[[[Continue->Turrets Breakfast]]
]]You pop a breakfast meatball into your mouth and post up behind your tastefully painted off white (link: "(text-colour:#fedb01)[GUSTAFSION]")[(goto-url: 'https://www.ikea.com/au/en/404.html')] Palisade with your (link: "(text-colour:#fedb01)[ÖSTBURG]")[(goto-url: 'https://www.ikea.com/au/en/404.html')] Long Pike and prepare for the assault.
(text-colour:#fedb01)[[[Continue->Day 4 2]]]You pop a breakfast meatball into your mouth and give your array of (link: "(text-colour:#fedb01)[MÄRTA]")[(goto-url: 'https://www.ikea.com/au/en/404.html')] trapdoors, (link: "(text-colour:#fedb01)[LEIF]")[(goto-url: 'https://www.ikea.com/au/en/404.html')] bladed pendulums and (link: "(text-colour:#fedb01)[KÄLLSTRÖM]")[(goto-url: 'https://www.ikea.com/au/en/404.html')] pressure activated spike traps before flipping the switch on your network of (link: "(text-colour:#fedb01)[HAMMARBERG]")[(goto-url: 'https://www.ikea.com/au/en/404.html')] automated turrets.
(text-colour:#fedb01)[[[Continue->Day 4 2]]]The enemy gathers at the gates. After some deliberation about how many people can fit into each segment of the revolving door, they begin their assaults in groups of 5 (3 if the group wants to bring a trolley).
The battle is fierce. As the layers of your defences fall, a trail of bodies lay strewn comfortably on every peice of display furnature in the corridors of your home. Despite your best efforts, you are pushed back to the warehouse and checkout area. The final stand approaches.
(text-colour:#fedb01)[[[Continue->Day 4 3]]]But as you fall back behind your (if: $Palisades is true)[matte black (link: "(text-colour:#fedb01)[MALIN]")[(goto-url: 'https://www.ikea.com/au/en/404.html')] portcullis and raise the lightweight metal (link: "(text-colour:#fedb01)[WINBLAD]")[(goto-url: 'https://www.ikea.com/au/en/404.html')] drawbridge](else:)[final line of stylish and unobtrusive (link: "(text-colour:#fedb01)[LEÖN]")[(goto-url: 'https://www.ikea.com/au/en/404.html')] laser traps and (link: "(text-colour:#fedb01)[DRAKENBURG]")[(goto-url: 'https://www.ikea.com/au/en/404.html')] anti vehicle cannons], the gentle hiss of the automatic door stops you in your tracks. Impossible. How could they ENTER through the EXIT? Have they no respect for signage?
(text-colour:#fedb01)[[[Continue->Day 4 4]]]But as you rush to fight the intruders, only a single shadow looms at the rear gates. A familiar shadow. A shadow finishing up an (text-colour:#fedb01)[''IKEA''] hot dog. A shadow... with antlers.
Somewhere in the recesses of your mind, old gears begin to whir, and your memories begin to trickle back into your head
(text-colour:#fedb01)[[[Continue->Day 4 5]]]"Why are you here, Adolphus?"
You bellow, the name coming from your Moose lips without even thinking, as natural as breathing.
(text-colour:#fedb01)[[[Continue->Day 4 6]]]"To take you home, Gustav."
(text-colour:#fedb01)[[[Continue->Day 4 7]]]Of course. You remember now. You were an officer of the Swedish police force, Moose Division. You and Adolphus have served together for years, an unparalelled crime fighting duo. But you had grown weary of the violence, and in a moment of hesitation, you made a fatal mistake, and fell into the ocean.
(text-colour:#fedb01)[[[Continue->Day 4 8]]]"Gustav. I have longed for you. Together we were unstoppable. Alone I am still unstoppable, due to me being a 1567 pound Moose, but it is not the same Gustav. Come back to us."
(text-colour:#fedb01)[[[Continue->Crossroads]]]You stand at a crossroads. Your memories returned, the chance is here for you to return to your old life, to fight alongside your partner again in the name of Swedish justice. But you have built something here. A new life. Perhaps //this// is the future you want.
(text-colour:#fedb01)[[[GO HOME WITH ADOLPHUS->Cop End]]]
(text-colour:#fedb01)[[[REMAIN IN IKEA->Ikea End]]]"Adolphus. My dearest friend. All this time I have felt an absence in my heart I could not fill. An ache for something I had lost. I see now that this yearning... was for you. I have missed you Adolphus. And my place is by your side. Let us return home, together."
(text-colour:#fedb01)[[[Continue->Cop End 2]]]"Adolphus. My dearest friend. I will not return. I have grown weary of the force, and I know that deep down... you have too. Join me, partner. Flat pack furnature was not meant to be assembled alone."
(text-colour:#fedb01)[[[Continue->Ikea End 2]]]You extend a hoof to your old friend, and tears stream down both your Moose faces as he grasps it with his own, a sort of Moose-like approximation of the Predator handshake that looks really quite strange. The two of you return home and continue your illustrious joint career as crime fighting Mooses, your passion for your job renewed, and your love rekindled. The two of you have many Moose children together, and you are remembered across Sweden for generations.
(text-colour:#fedb01)[[[Continue->The End]]](align:"=><=")[(text-colour:#fedb01)[''THE END'']]You extend a hoof to the most important Moose in your life, who looks down with eyes that hide a million words. But the words need not be said. He looks you in the eye, and firmly grasps your hoof with his, a sort of Moose-like approaximation of the predator handshake that doesn't quite make visual sense.
"Together, Gustav."
"Together, Adolphus."
(text-colour:#fedb01)[[[Continue->Ikea End 3]]]As you turn to man your frontward defences, your steadfast friend and partner turns to defend the rear. With your mechanical ingenuity and his mastery of Moose Kung-Fu, together you kill every last member of the Swedish Police force, causing significant poltical upheaval in your old home, but making enough meatballs to feed generations of you and Adolphus' Moose Children. As the two of you grow old together, surrounded by family and Moose immigrants, you are honored as the Founding Fathers of New Sweden, just off the M61 in Birstall.
(text-colour:#fedb01)[[[Continue->The End]]]