It's another beautiful day in London, the home of all the laws in London. And what a day it is!
[[Continue->Intro1]]You’ve just arrived at The old Bailey, the biggest court in the land, and the place that you call “the place that you work at”.
[[Continue->Intro2]]You push open the whopping great big double doors and saunter through the main hallway, waving hello to all your co-workers with a beaming smile on your face. Because today is the big one.
[[Continue->Intro3]]You’ve been assigned to the same small claims court case as your on and off again work crush, and you just know it: today’s the day you’re finally gonna suck him off.
[[Continue->Intro4]]You head to the changing rooms and get out of your civvies. You’ve been working out. You’ve styled both your moustache AND pubic hair into the shape of the Scales of Justice. And you’ve put extra care and attention into your work face paint, making sure the pure white base coat is unfaded and the big red lips really stand out.
[[Continue->Intro5]]Today is the day. You burst out of the changing room straight into the courtroom, cartwheeling through the middle aisle and slamming face first into the Judge’s podium, because…
[[Continue->TitleCard]](align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXX=")[=
(text-colour:orange)[''You Are The Small Claims Court Jester,
Can You Liven Up This Faulty Goods Claim,
And Also Fuck The Small Claims Court Wizard'']
[[Continue->Act1]]The audience in the stands all share a low giggle, and the Judge shakes his head with a smile on his face, the good ol’ “Oh you little stinker” look. Perfect. That one always softens up the crowd.
[[Continue->Act1-2]]But oh no, the Court Wizard is already here, standing behind the Magistrate with his sexy Chanel™ robe and giant Ralph Lauren™ pointy hat. And he does NOT look impressed.
[[Continue->Act1-3]]He’s as stoney faced as ever. You stare at him a little bit too long trying to figure out if he has ACTUALLY turned to stone, which you did see happen once in the whimsical culinary malpractice trial of Gorgon Ramsey. But no. He’s looking right at you. And he thinks you’re a prick.
[[Continue->Act1-4]]You make a big show of rubbing your arse in mock pain as you pull yourself up, then perch yourself on the edge of the witness stand, kicking your legs all cute like. You may have won over the crowd, but at this rate, you’ll never see that Wizard dick.
[[Continue->Choice1]]Do You:
A - [[Do some juggling and acrobatics->Juggling]]
B - [[Inform the Judge of some bad news->BadNews]]You juggle some evidence while riding around a unicycle manufactured by the defendant.
Halfway through your routine however, all of the bolts in the unicycle just shoot out and it disassembles itself with you on it.
[[Continue->Juggling2]]Your Jester’s Privilege makes you one of the few people in court allowed to be the bearer of bad news for the Judge. You scoot on over to his massive chair and whisper in his ear.
[[Continue->BadNews2]]Luckily, you’ve been trained in Animated Jestery, so you keep going for a bit even though the unicycle is just a wheel.
You stop, all your juggled evidence hovering in midair for a bit as you look down at your lone pedal-less wheel. Turning to the audience, you hold up a little sign that says “OH NO!”, then collapse into a heap of wheel and evidence on the floor.
[[Continue->Act2]]The Wizard is unimpressed.
He thinks your Jesterly Antics are unbefitting of the high court, which is ridiculous, because you’re IN the high court right now, so it must totally be befitting of it.
[[Continue->Act2-2]]“Sorry to interrupt my liege, but your horse, Balderdash Honeysuckle, just came 4th place in the derby. Which is quite impressive for a horse on roller skates, but the brightly coloured teenagers really did give him a thrashing.”
[[Continue->BadNews3]]“Bollocks.” He says. “Should have gone for Ice Hockey. Well, thanks for telling me.”
[[Continue->Act2]]But you’re sure that underneath that cold, immaculately manscaped exterior is a lovely, sensitive man, absolutely desperate to get his knob swallowed by a man in a leotard with bells on it.
It’s time to up your game.
[[Continue->Choice2]]Do You:
A - [[Accompany the Judge on a hunting trip->Hunting]]
B - [[Lead the troops at the front lines, mocking and provoking the enemy->Frontlines]]You briefly suspend court activities to accompany the Judge and his family on a hunting trip, as is your Jesterly duty. He has a great idea to release a wild bear that he ordered off of Amazon Prime into the woods so he can chase it around and shoot at it with a gun. But as soon as he opens the cage the bear screams and starts chasing him around and shooting at him with a gun.
When the Judge asks you why you just ran away instead of helping, you reply:
[[Continue->Hunting2]]You march your way past the troops at the front lines to a nearby hill, where you construct a makeshift wind turbine out of old rusty pikes and duct tape. Because of your excellent craftsmanship, the enemy horses mistake your effigy for a tall, thin lady horse, waving seductively at them as if to say “come over here horses, I won’t club you to death with my horse arms.”
[[Continue->Frontlines2]]“Because it was a fucking BEAR mate, why did you open the cage in the first place you imbecile?!” You are allowed to say this because you are the Jester.
The Wizard, who was also there but didn’t do anything, cracks a small smile, amused by your pointed allusion to the Judge’s foreign policy.
[[Continue->Act3]]That’s it. You’re in. That smile was all you needed. If you disregard any other potential factors, you’re pretty sure that once this court business is wrapped up, that enchanted hunk’s wand is as good as slobbered. All you gotta do now is bring this sucker home.
[[Continue->Act3-2]]The enemy army veers dramatically off course and canters towards your creation. When they get close enough for the illusion to break, the horse’s natural instinct to sniff metal takes over, and the pack of war stallions are mulched to bits by rusty pikes.
You smile at your handiwork, and you catch the Wizard with a cheeky smirk on his face, impressed by your knowledge of horse behavior.
[[Continue->Act3]]But the jury has other ideas. Sensing that this quest has leaned too hard on the Jester aspect and not enough on the Small Claims Court thing, their deliberation has ended in a tie. In these times of crisis, it would be the role of the Wizard to be the deciding vote. His booming and sexily vocal fried voice echoes through the courtroom:
[[Continue->Act3-3]]“I have consulted the stars on this case, and they have guided my hand to a decision. However, this is apparently considered “outside influence” and violates multiple laws, and thus in doing so I have forfeit my right to partake in the jury. I hereby grant my deciding vote… to the Jester!”
[[Continue->Act3-4]]A dramatic turn, and with only moments remaining in the trial! The giant countdown clock on the back wall starts its tense music, you have to choose now!
[[Continue->Choice3]]Do You:
A - [[Side with the Defendant, these courts are always unfairly rigged against the multi billion pound megacorps, and now you have a chance to even the odds!->Act4]]
B - [[Side with the Prosecution, one of the options in the first choice actually led to some pretty compelling evidence, even if you didn’t pick that one.->Act4]]“AND SO IT IS DONE!” booms the Court Wizard, holding his Jean Paul Gaultier™ Wizard Staff aloft and projecting his voice with magic. The Law Clock hits zero. The Judge delivers his verdict.
[[Continue->Act4-2]]“Whatever the Jester just picked, the other one is guilty or innocent, whichever is more appropriate. I hereby sentence you to pay up to £10,000, or not do that, depending on which makes sense. COURT DISMISSED!”
[[Continue->Act4-3]]Another one in the bag. Now you just gotta sink your shot. As the people file out of the court, you saunter up to the Court Wizard and lean all sexy like.
[[Continue->Act4-4]]“Hey. Saw you admiring my work back there. I think you were pretty great out there too. The thing with your Wizard Staff and the voice? Real sexy. Fancy letting me give that thing a… polish, if you know what I mean?”
You cap it off with a cheeky wink.
[[Continue->Act4-5]]“Oh, that’s so sweet of you to offer, and you do seem like a lovely gentleman, but I’m actually in a steady relationship right now. Sorry if I gave you the wrong idea.”
[[Continue->Act4-6]]Damn, blast and curses, you should have known! But this isn’t your first rodeo, you know how to take rejection.
“Oh, I’m so sorry! I had no idea!”
[[Continue->Act4-7]]“Oh it’s quite alright, it’s not your fault. I’m a very private person you see, so I don’t talk about these things much. Actually, I think he might be someone you know…”
Seemingly excited for the chance to talk about his life, he pulls out his Ettinger™ Wallet and hands you a picture of himself and his partner.
[[Continue->Act4-8]]You can’t believe it. All this time. Your work crush, arm in arm with your ex-boyfriend:
The Large Claims Court Jester, who is 8 foot tall, and built like a brick shithouse.
[[Continue->End]]''(text-colour:orange)[(align:"=><=")+(box:"=XXXXXXXX=")[=
The End]''