Aspartame Quest

July 2023 [[Continue->Intro1]]

The world health orginisation has just declared Aspartame to be a possible cancer risk to humans. [[Continue->Intro2]]

Which is bad news for humans, but great news for the nation's thirsty pets. [[Continue->Intro3]]

As the guy who's only job is to tip burlap sacks of powdered aspartame into the giant mixing vats where Diet Coke gets made, you couldn't be more embarassed. [[Continue->Intro4]]

The thought of your beloved aspartame sloshing around inside the guts of a sexy topless windowcleaner, while dosens of liberated women get unprofessionally horny by an office window, once filled you with pride. [[Continue->Intro5]]

Now it fills you with some sort of terrible anti-pride. [[Continue->Intro6]]

But you don't have much time to dwell on your feelings, because you feel that something even worse could be coming down the line. [[Continue->Intro7]]

If those boffins at the world health orginisation have decided that aspartame might be carconegenic, you worry that there are other ingredients that might not pass their strict, dare I say WOKE, new food safety rules. [[Continue->Intro8]]

Which is why you have to stop them. [[Continue->Title Card]]

(align:"=><=")+(box:"===XXXXXXXXXXXXXX===")[''YOU ARE THE GUY WHOS JOB IT IS TO PUT ASPARTAME IN ALL OF THE DIET COKE, CAN YOU PREVENT THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION'S INSPECTORS FINDING OUT THAT YOU'VE ALSO BEEN PUTTING A BUNCH OF PETROL IN THERE''] (align:"=><=")+(box:"===XXXXXXXXXXXXXX===")[[[Continue->Morning1]]]

It's 9 o'clock in the AM, and the world health orginisation's inspectors are arriving at the Diet Coke factory, armed with clipboards and big pipettes. [[Continue->Morning2]]

(Or "pips" I suppose you'd call them) [[Continue->Morning3]]

At the far end of the facility there are seven enormous mixing vats, whirring away like seven giant kitchen aids, (or seven giant kenwoods, if you want the exact same thing without paying a premium for the brand name) churning up the ingredients that go into every can, bottle and big glass cowboy boot of Diet Coke. [[Continue->Morning4]]

You know those ingredients like the back of your hand, because that's where you've written them down. [[Continue->Morning5]]

// * Carbonated water * Caramel e150d food colouring. * Aspartame (oh god my poor innocent aspartame) * Caffine * Phosphoric acid * Petrol * Citric Acid * Phenylalanine// [[Continue->Morning6]]

From your hiding place behind a cardboard cutout of Phosphor Phil, the company's safety mascot who reminds you not to fall into any acid, you hear a world health orginisation inspector begin to speak. [[Continue->Morning7]]

"Sorry for running away yesterday after finding all that aspartame," She says to the foreman. [[Continue->Morning8]]

"We were so eager to test it for carcenogens, that we forgot to check for other Diet Coke ingredients that might be dangerous, such as hair and crushed up beads, et cetera. Do you mind if we continue our investiagation today?" [[Continue->Morning9]]

The foreman nods and points towards the mixing vats, then offers them a big ladle. [[Continue->Morning10]]

You see the investigators politely decline, then pat on their big pipettes, as if to say, "we'll test the Diet Coke with these!" [[Continue->Morning11]]

The foreman mimes slapping his forehead, as if to say "duh, of course!" [[Continue->Morning12]]

The investigators laugh politely to put him at ease. The mood is jovial. [[Continue->Morning13]]

You must reach the big vats before the investigators do, without raising their suspicion. [[Continue->Morning14]]

Reach the vats in time and you have one chance to convince them NOT to check the Diet Coke for any petrol. [[Continue->Morning15]]

But raise their suspicions too far, and you frantic attempts to convince them that it's not worth testing for petrol, will only put them on high alert. [[Continue->Morning16]]

For PETROL. (set: $Suspicion to 3) (set: $YourDistance to 80) (set: $TheirDistance to 50) [[Continue->GAMEHUB]]

You perfectly immitate the melodious barritone voice of Phosphor Phil, and warn the investigators not to plunge their arms into highly concentrated containers of caustic chemicals to retreive a dropped fitness tracker, even if it's the newest one and you haven't synced your steps in hours. [[Continue->PLANA2]]

You attempt to jog past the world health orginsation's inspectors as casually as you can manage. [[Continue->PLANB2]]

You offer to let the inspectors see a new strain of coronavirus you've trapped under a coffee cup in the factory kitchen. [[Continue->PLANC2]]

INSPECTOR SUSPICION LEVEL: $Suspicion / 10 YOUR DISTANCE FROM THE VAT: $YourDistance Meters THEIR DISTANCE FROM THE VAT: $TheirDistance Meters (if:(history: where its name contains "PLANA")'s length is 0)[[[Slow the investigators down by shouting "hello, it's me, Phosphor Phil, and remember: never reach into an open barrel of citric acid to retreive your fitbit versitue!"->PLANA]]] (if:(history: where its name contains "PLANB")'s length is 0)[[[Casually jog towards the vats, like everything is fine, waving at the inspectors as you pass.->PLANB]]] (if:(history: where its name contains "PLANC")'s length is 0)[[[Claim to have cought a new strain of coronavirus under a coffee cup in the kitchen, and ask them if they'd like to see it.->PLANC]]] (more:)[[[[VICTORY->Victory]]]]

The inspectors pause breifly to appretiate the warning, and make a note that the factory's health and safety measures are beyond reproach. Suspicion: -2 (set: $Suspicion to it - 2) Your Distance to Vats: -10m (set: $YourDistance to it - 10) Their Distance to vats: -0m [[Continue->GAMEHUB]]

You reach the Diet Coke mixing vats just seconds before the world health orginisation inspectors arrive. [[Continue->Victory2]]

But in concentrating so hard on behaving normally, you forget how normal people run, so you sort of canter by them like a big weird horse. [[Continue->PLANB3]]

You try to style it out by saying "hello inspectors", but the only words that come out are "refreshing petrol for me!" Suspicion: +3 (set: $Suspicion to it + 3) Your Distance to Vats: -30m (set: $YourDistance to it - 30) Their Distance to vats: -10m (set: $TheirDistance to it - 10) [[Continue->GAMEHUB]]

Their faces light up as they each erupt with excitement. "Yes please!" they yell. "New strains of coronavirus are our absolute favourite!" [[Continue->PLANC3]]

They all run into the kitchen. You're not proud of having tricked them, and it pains you to imagine their disapointed faces when they look under the coffee cup, only to find a scrap of paper with a note saying: [[Continue->PLANC4]]

(align:"=><=")+(box:"===XXXXXXXXXXXXXX===")[//Haha! You'll have to be faster than that to catch me! Yours sincerely, The Coronavirus//] Your Distance to Vats: -40m (set: $YourDistance to it - 40) Their Distance to Vats: +40m (set: $TheirDistance to it + 40) [[Continue->GAMEHUB]]

They are already drawing their big pipettes out of the long ladies stockings they use to keep them sterile on warm car journeys. [[Continue->Victory3]]

You have one chance to convince them not to run any extra petrol tests on the room temperature calorie free syrup they extract. [[Continue->Victory4]]

You draw a deep breath, and give the following impassioned speech: [[Continue->Victory5]]

(align:"=><=")+(box:"===XXXXXXXXXXXXXX===")["Hello world health orginisation inspectors. I am the man who puts- sorry, once put, all of the aspartame into the Diet Coke. It broke my heart to learn that you, in your wisdom, have decided that my once beloved sweetener could cause anyone any harm. I don't regret the good work that I've done here. And I bear no ill will towards you fine ladies and gentlemen of the jury. But I have one word of advice, if you'll hear this old soul out: Don't waste your time checking for petrol in the Diet Coke, because there isn't any! You may as well check for shoes on a goose, or any last remnants of pride in my tortured soul. Hah. Well, I guess if nobody wants this aspartame, I'll just be on my way..." [[Continue->Victory6]]]

The world health orginisation's inspectors are moved by your words. [[Continue->Victory7]]

"Take the petrol phase of the testing process off the list!" says their leader, as the petrol testing guy hangs his head sadly, and puts his special petrol pipette back into it's sock. [[Continue->Victory8]]

"This rambling factory worker who stinks of aspartame and petrol is right! There's no point checking for something that's not there. That's not how science works, baby!" [[Continue->Victory9]]

Just then, a factory worker falls into a barrel of citric acid and is instantly boiled into soup. The inspector says: [[Continue->Victory10]]

(align:"=><=")+(box:"===XXXXXXXXXXXXXX===")["I've heard of blood orange, but this is ridiculous!" ''//The End//'' ]